2013 Adventure Racing National Championship

This will be my 10th race and put me at just under 200 hours of adventure racing solo. What started out as therapy to help me cope with depression and divorce became a reassertion of identity. I am racing as "HVDRA", after the mythological creature whose image I have tattooed on my upper arm and shoulder. "Percussus resurgo a fortiori" is the Latin inked into my shoulder blade and printed all over my jersey and shorts, meaning, "Struck down, I rise with a stronger force." The V supplanting the Y in hydra represents my fifth year in adventure racing--five years in the sport, three of which i served as race director for the 24-hour Atomic Adventure Race. 700 hours of exercise this year alone. That's nearly a continuous month--night and day.

Nearly half of my life, I've been heavily involved in endurance sports. It is as much a piece of me as my name, as my hair color, as my family.

None of that mentions the eight year of competitive distance running before that. Nearly half of my life, I've been heavily involved in endurance sports. It is as much a piece of me as my name, as my hair color, as my family. Many might dismiss it as a hobby or liken it to a passing interest, and even close relatives and friends suggested that my love for the sport was the source of my relationship problems. I regret I came to believe them and for two years I abandoned the sport. It was grossly ignorant. I could never simply abandon it, no more than I could simply abandon my then-wife. There would be a heavy price to pay. It is part of me--to leave it was to leave myself.

Exercise for me is no less than an outlet of emotion, a retreat from stress, a place to sort my thoughts and gain perspective, and a mechanism through which I can shine--where I can bring my strengths to bear: willpower, self awareness, competitive nature, and perseverance. It is to me a fruit-bearing tree that was planted long ago and who continues to nourish me. It is but a part of me, but without it I am not whole.

And so when I left it, my legs were swept out from under me. I took solace in my children, but I could no longer respect their father. I had lost my sense of self, relying solely on my then-wife to be the gauge of my worth. It was the most miserable time in my life, because I was held hostage within it. For two years I tried and failed to show her I loved her. I could not and never fill the void in her left by her mother, and for that I am truly sorry. Regret has never had such weight as it does now.

So when I returned to racing, when I returned to myself, it was a desperate act of self-love...

So when I returned to racing, when I returned to myself, it was a desperate act of self-love, knowing that what I had to give her crashed and broke on her stoney shore. It was and could only be a fruitless effort. For those of you closest to me, who I abandoned as well, I am sorry. I haven't talked about the divorce because I was ashamed, hurt, angry, and lost. I made terrible mistakes and poor choices tearing my heart away from her, but I made a correct one in returning to sport.

It literally saved my life from depression and the emotional stress that the divorce and its aftermath caused. When I wasn't thinking about killing myself, I flippantly made light of my hospital stays due to newly developed heart issues; my heart was emotionally in tatters and as its brokenness began to manifest physically, I stole away to heal through exercise. In doing so, I lent strength to myself from I know not where. But it was enough to get me out of that hole.

I shivered uncontrollably, my body proving that it has a will of its own, and it would not heel to a depraved mind--it wished to be led by reason and goodness.

And peeking over the edges I saw the sunlight again amidst the mountainous surround. I sunk knee-deep in the swamp and trudged through the marsh. I was forced alive by swarms of insects and startled vipers. I came upon birds of prey violently claiming their feast. I shivered uncontrollably, my body proving that it has a will of its own, and it would not heel to a depraved mind--it wished to be led by reason and goodness. Reason, something only now coming back to me. And goodness, there all alone but shrouded by another's ill measure of it. And I began to instead measure myself, sometimes proving my worth in victory and sometimes in defeat, but for once it did not matter. I was there to suffer and to pay my penance and to escape and to thrive and to find freedom from the affliction that was another's disdain for me.

And it worked. And slowly the freedom made its way out of the forests and the ever-flowing streams and the airy mountains, and into my life. So fault me not for returning to myself. Fault me not for leaving my home to venture again into the wilderness--I have always belonged in the wild.